A little over a week ago I was going through my camera roll on my phone and noticed that Cakes had taken pictures. Some pictures were of me, a couple of my butt when I was bending over to get something from the fridge, a few of Mr.Grumps, being grumpy and then there was one picture of some woman that I didn’t recognize right away. As I stared at the picture with my eyes narrowed trying to figure out who it was I realized, the woman was ME! I didn’t even recognize my own physical self. I had no idea that I looked like that. How long have I looked this way? Is that what people see when they see me? These were all the thoughts clouding my brain as I dramatically spiraled out of control. I’m talking full on dramatics here. Sliding off the couch onto the floor then crying in my hands as I sat criss cross apple sauce. I then realized that life was happening to me and I was too busy taking care of everything else to even notice.
I can’t quite tell you when my sneaker to shoe ratio got out of wack and just turned into my sneaker collection. As I do not know how my wardrobe has become overrun with “stretchy things” and not the body con dress type stretchy things. Or when my fun colored lippies turned into chapstick and go. Or how the bags I carried on my arms relocated to under my eyes. Who knows when all the gray hairs voted my brown hairs off the island and took residence front and center on my head. By the way the browns are straight punks they didn’t even put up a damn fight. Or when my bi-weekly wash and sets turned into f*ck it dirty bun liiiiiife, I have no idea when or how I gained all this weight, hell I don’t even know when’s the last time I took a good look in a mirror to even notice. It was like I got bitchslapped followed by a cup of ice cold water thrown in my face. I’M AWAKE!
In my head pops all these cliches and memes and inspirational quotes that I come across and mmmhmmm (like I be knowing when obviously I had no clue)
(yeah you’ve seen these too) the cup and the pouring one got to me the most.
I moped about it for
a couple days more like a week and then I just decided I have to just do it. As automatic and effortlessly as I take care of Cakes and home and work and everything else, is as automatic and effortless as it should be for me to take care of me. Hell nobody else is going to, that’s evident. Shit nobody even told me, wait maybe 2 different people giving me 2 different gift cards to 2 different spas was my cue that I totally missed. Oh my goodness did I really miss that? Welp, that just went clear over my head now didn’t it! It appears I really was asleep. I know this sounds easy enough and you’re probably reading this like I’m crazy but this is really hard. You get into a routine in life, it works and you kinda just go with flow. The thing is that seeing that picture was like a wake up call that hey it isn’t really working time to try something else. Now is the hard and uncomfortable part which is I literally have to demand from myself time for myself. I think I may have to try the Being Mary Jane method for awhile and write things on post its and put them around the house as a reminder to remember me until remembering me is a habit. Aren’t I just as important as the people and things that I think are important. Hell yeah! So now it’s time to act accordingly. How fitting is it that it’s a couple of days before my birthday and I get to put into practice and get to work so that my 30 somethingth year can be better to me than my 30 somethingth year.
Have you ever experienced a time when you lost sight of yourself? Or forgot to take care of yourself or put yourself on the shelf? And what did you do to get back?